You close the door behind you and put your bag on the chair. Before you know it, the words come out: “Right.” What are we going to do first?
There is no one else in the house. The TV isn’t on. But just having your own voice in the room makes the apartment feel less empty.
You talk about what you need to do. You go back to a tense conversation you had earlier. While looking for your keys for the third time, you whisper, “Come on, you can do this.”
Then there’s that little flash of shame.
“If anyone heard me right now…”
The thing is, psychologists are starting to say something very surprising about this common habit.
It could be a quiet sign of something unusual.
What psychology really says about having conversations with yourself
We all heard the same thing as kids: talking to yourself is a little strange.
A sign that you’re stressed, lonely, or maybe even going crazy.
But when psychologists look closely at this behavior, they keep finding the opposite. People who talk to themselves out loud tend to be better at staying focused, controlling their emotions, and solving problems.
Your brain treats the words you hear as if they are coming from someone else. That makes a small mental space.
Enough space to relax, think things through, and make better choices.
So no, you’re not “weird” for talking about your life in the kitchen.
You might be using one of your brain’s most useful tools.
Think about this. A young nurse stands in the break room at the end of a long, hard shift, looking at the wall of lockers.
“Okay, check your phone, reply to your mom, get some water, and breathe,” she whispers.
A coworker walks in, smiles, and asks, “Are you talking to yourself?”
She laughs, but she feels a little embarrassed. But her heart rate is already going down. She got out of emotional autopilot by saying each step out loud.
Researchers at universities like Kansas and Wisconsin have looked into this very thing: people who say what they need to do finish tasks faster and with fewer mistakes.
It’s one thing to read a list in your head. When you say “Keys, wallet, badge” out loud, it makes your memory, attention, and movement work together.
That’s not “crazy.”
That’s the brain quietly improving itself in real time.
This is what psychologists call “external self-talk.”
Instead of having thoughts racing through your head, you send them out into the air, where you can almost “hear” them as advice.
This change has a big effect. It makes you both the person who talks and the person who listens. You become your own coach instead of just a stressed-out player who is stuck in the game.
Ethan Kross’s research has shown that people who talk to themselves in the second or third person (“You’ve done harder things than this”) are better at controlling their emotions than those who just think about things in their heads.
They feel less overwhelmed and less like the moment is taking over their lives.
Let’s be honest: no one really does this every day.
But people who naturally fall into this habit, especially when they’re alone, are often using a high-level self-regulation skill without even realizing it.
Signs that your self-talk hides strong traits and skills
Structure is one of the best signs that your self-talk is a strength and not a problem.
You don’t just talk; you make an outline.
You might walk around the kitchen saying, “I’ll finish that email first, then I’ll call Sarah, and then I’ll do the laundry.”
That’s executive functioning at work, the part of the brain that keeps track of priorities and plans.
Tone is another clue. When people have strong inner resources, they tend to talk to themselves in a way that is both firm and kind.
“Come on, focus,” and then, “You’re tired, but you’re doing fine.“
They’re not just letting off steam.
They’re in charge.
Think about the creative people you know. Writers mumbling through their sentences. Designers walking around and saying, “No, that doesn’t work… what if I move this here?”
Chefs taste a sauce and say, “It’s too salty; it needs acid.”
This constant murmur is not noise.
It’s troubleshooting in real time.
One photographer said that when she is alone, she tells herself, “Okay, follow the light, don’t rush, wait for the moment.”
Instead of worrying about the outcome, she talks to herself to stay focused on the process.
Many high achievers, from musicians to programmers, admit that they “think out loud” when they’re alone.
Their talent isn’t just in their hands and eyes. It’s how they lead themselves through each step.
Talking to yourself can show your emotional intelligence on a deeper level.
Do you ever say to yourself, “I’m such an idiot” or “Okay, that hurt, but let’s see what really happened”?
The second version shows a mind that has learned to stop, name, and change how it feels.
That’s a sign of strength, not weakness.
This is also something that psychologists see in people who didn’t get a lot of emotional support as kids.
They often learned how to be their own calm voice in times of stress. What looks like strange muttering could be the result of years of self-soothing, self-guiding, and surviving.
*The person you’re talking to in an empty room might be the only one who kept you going when no one else did.*
That doesn’t mean you’re broken. That means you can change.
How to make your inner voice a quiet superpower
Give your self-talk a job to do, and you’ll be able to use this habit.
Don’t just let words flow; think about what you want them to do.
When you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can use “instruction talk.”
Say what you’re doing out loud, slowly, as if you were telling someone else how to do it: “Close all the extra tabs.” Open the file. “Just read the first paragraph.”
Before something scary happens, you can say “confidence talk“: “You’ve gotten ready for this.” Talk slowly. “Look up every few sentences.”
Speaking in the second person makes you feel like you’re being coached.
Don’t treat your voice like a glitch in the background.
Letting your self-talk turn into self-attack is a common mistake.
That loop of “You always mess this up” or “What’s wrong with you?” doesn’t help you think more clearly. It just hurts your self-esteem.
Stop what you’re doing if you see that pattern.
Change your position, go to a different room, or even splash water on your face. Then start the conversation over as if you were talking to a friend you care about.
You don’t have to be positive all the time.
You just have to be fair. “You made a mistake” is very different from “You are a mistake.”
A lot of people are afraid that if they stop being mean, they will lose their edge.
Psychology keeps finding the opposite: **kind, realistic self-talk makes you do better and keeps you from getting burned out.**
One cognitive psychologist I talked to said, “Talking to yourself doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.”
“It’s a sign that your brain is working on its own.” Instead of asking, “Do you talk to yourself?” ask, “What kind of relationship are you building with that voice?”
Use names and “you”
When you need courage or calm, call yourself by your first name or say “you” instead of “I.” It gives you just the right amount of space to see things more clearly.
Make it short and to the point.
Change vague phrases like “I’m overwhelmed” into short instructions like “Send one email.” Get up now. Then drink some water. Your nervous system loves small, easy steps.
Don’t use absolute labels
Don’t use words like “always,” “never,” or “disaster.” Instead of saying, “I always fail,” say, “This went badly, and here’s one thing I’ll do differently.” That little change keeps your self-esteem safe.
Getting back a habit we were told to hide
In a world where everyone is always talking to you, talking to yourself feels a little rebellious.
Your phone rings, your feeds scroll, and opinions blast through your headphones. But at 11 p.m. in your kitchen, it’s just you and that small, familiar voice.
You might have tried to silence it for years because you were afraid of what others would think. You might only let it out in the car, on long walks, or in the shower.
What if the habit you try to hide is actually one of the best ways you can think, feel, and make good choices?
Psychology is slowly catching up to what people have always done in private: we tell stories, argue, comfort, and plan.
Your real way of understanding the world is somewhere between those half-whispered sentences.
You don’t have to make your self-talk a show or a part of your morning routine. You don’t need a perfect script, rules, or a journal.
You just need to see it, ease it when it hurts you, and lean on it when your thoughts are too big for you to handle.
That voice you hear when the house is quiet might be saying more about your strength, creativity, and ability to bounce back than any test could ever show.
What if, the next time you catch yourself talking to yourself, you didn’t feel weird, just quietly impressed?
| Key point | Detail | Value for the reader |
|---|---|---|
| Self-talk boosts focus | Verbalizing tasks out loud organizes thoughts and strengthens attention | Helps you get through busy days with fewer mistakes and less mental clutter |
| Tone reveals resilience | Supportive, structured self-talk is linked to emotional regulation and coping | Shows how to spot and grow your own psychological strengths |
| Self-talk can be trained | Shifting from harsh to fair, specific language increases performance | Offers a concrete way to turn a “weird habit” into a practical personal tool |
Questions and Answers:
Is it a sign of mental illness to talk to yourself?
Not by itself. A lot of mentally healthy people talk to themselves a lot. Psychologists pay more attention to the content and distress of the voice. If it insults, scares, or feels “external” and out of your control, that’s when you should get professional help.
Do you always have to talk to yourself in a good way?
No. The goal is not to be fake positive, but to be kind and honest. You can say, “That didn’t go well, I’m disappointed,” and then say, “Here’s what I’ll do next time.” Talking to yourself in a realistic way is much more powerful than denying things that are true.
Should I say things in my head or out loud?
Both are useful in their own way. Talking to yourself out loud usually involves more of your brain and body, which can help you focus and calm down. When you’re in public, silent self-talk is more private and helpful. The most important thing is to use the style that works for you right now.
Why do I talk to myself more when I’m under stress?
When you’re stressed, your mind is full of conflicting thoughts. When you talk out loud, your brain sorts, prioritizes, and calms itself down. This is often a healthy way to deal with things, as long as the tone isn’t mean.
Is it really possible to change my life by changing the way I talk to myself?
Changing the way you talk to yourself won’t fix everything, but it can change your motivation, courage, and ability to bounce back from setbacks. Over time, those little choices you make every day can lead to big changes in your work, relationships, and self-esteem.
