The little boy is sitting on the bottom step with his legs swinging angrily and his cheeks still wet. His mum is in the kitchen pretending to look at her phone while keeping an eye on the oven clock. The “time-out” will be over in two more minutes. He sniffs, looks at her, and then looks away. She feels the same mix of guilt and relief that she always does. At least he isn’t making any noise now. At least the fit stopped.
Then she has a strange thought: he doesn’t look calmer. He just looks lonely.
She Googles that night, feeling a little embarrassed, “Do child psychologists still use time-outs?” What she finds is a surprise. And to be honest, it hurts a little.
Why experts in child development are quietly moving away from time-outs
If you talk to a group of modern child psychologists, you’ll see something. A lot of them don’t even put their own kids in time-out. They might say “take a break” to themselves, but not to punish a three-year-old who is having a tantrum on the living room floor.
They aren’t letting them do it. They’re not “letting kids get away with it.”
They want more than just silence; they want real self-control.
Imagine a four-year-old screaming because you put the cereal in the wrong bowl. Old playbook: “That’s it.” Stop for a second. “Go to your room.” The door closes, and the cries get louder and then softer. It looks like success on the surface.
But see what happens when the same cereal crisis happens again next week. The child goes off again. Same amount of sound. Same anger. The only thing that has been learned is that having strong feelings means being sent away.
Some studies even show that using time-outs a lot can make kids more anxious and afraid of being alone, especially kids who are already sensitive.
From a brain standpoint, this makes sense even though it makes me uncomfortable. When a child is having a full meltdown, they are not using their rational brain; they are using their “alarm system.” We are asking them to calm down by using skills they don’t have yet when we put them in a room by themselves.
So they shut down, stuff their feelings, or numb out to get the grown-up back. That could look like following orders.
But what experts want is a kid who knows, “My feelings are safe, and there are limits on how I act.” Time-outs often send the first part of the message in the opposite direction.
The experts in discipline use time-INs and connection-first limits instead
Many child development experts use a simple name for the other option: “time-in.” It sounds cool, but it’s basically what smart grandparents have been doing forever. You move closer instead of sending the child away. You stay calm, and they borrow it.
A time-out might mean stepping into the hallway, sitting down together, and saying softly, “I’m right here.” Your body is out of control. “We’re going to breathe together until you’re safe again.”
The limit stays the same. The child doesn’t get the toy back. The screen is still black. But the relationship doesn’t leave the room.
A lot of parents feel weird when they try this once. We didn’t learn this when we were kids. We remember being told to go to our room “until you can behave,” and part of us thinks, “Well, it worked on me.” But did it? Or did we just learn to keep our feelings to ourselves, slam doors behind closed doors, and hide our anger behind a polite face?
Let’s be honest: no one really does this every day. Even the most level-headed child psychologist can lose it sometimes.
The general direction is what matters. More co-regulation and less banishment. Less “go away” and more “I’m with you, but the answer is still no.”
Experts on children like this method for a number of reasons. Kids who feel connected during fights tend to have a better emotional vocabulary, better control over their impulses, and fewer aggressive behaviours as they grow up. The brain wires through repetition: feel something, stay in a relationship, and fix the break.
Discipline is no longer about punishment; it’s about teaching. You still have to deal with the consequences, of course. You still say no, and you still take the marker off after it hits the wall for the third time.
The difference is that your child doesn’t have to go through their hardest times alone on a staircase, counting the seconds until they see you again.
How to use firm, connected discipline instead of time-outs
Begin with small things. Don’t tell your child to “go to your room” the next time they blow up. Instead, say “Come here” and bend down to their level. Relax your shoulders, plant your feet, and talk more slowly than you want to.
Say what you see: “Your face is so mad.” Your body is moving. Then say, “I won’t let you hit,” as a limit. We will stay here until your body is safe.
You could keep your distance by blocking a hit, moving the Lego bin, or going to a quieter part of the room. That’s what discipline is. That’s how it’s set up. But you stay.
One of the most common mistakes is to turn time-ins into short lectures. You know the lines: “We don’t act like this.” This is not okay. “You are almost five years old…” By that time, the child’s brain is done. Your words are hitting a nervous system that is in survival mode.
Less talking and more being there during the storm. After the storm, there was more talking and more teaching.
We’ve all been there: you’re so tired that you want to yell, “Fine, go to your room!” If that slips out, fix it later: “I got too much to handle.” Next time, I’ll stay with you to keep you safe.
A child psychologist once told me, “Discipline without a relationship leads to either obedience or rebellion.” “Discipline with relationship builds character.”
Use time-outs to help with emotional issues
Sit close by, breathe together, and use simple words to describe how you feel, like “angry,” “sad,” or “disappointed.”
Keep separation for safety.
If someone is about to get hurt, move the child or yourself, but say clearly, “I’ll be right back.” I’m not going to leave you for good.
Talk about what happened after the storm.
When things are calm again, say, “Next time you’re that mad, you can stomp instead of hit.” Let the kid come up with ideas as well.
Make the consequences easy to understand.
Natural outcomes are good: the toy goes away, the game ends, and you stop playing when you get hit. No complicated charts when things are hot.
Practise when everything is fine
Read picture books about feelings, play with stuffed animals, and show how to say “I’m frustrated” instead of slamming doors.
Thinking about what “good discipline” really means
A lot of parents don’t like time-outs, but they use them anyway because they don’t know what else to do. Their own childhood scripts tell them, “You’re being too soft,” every time they try to be nicer. Their neighbour still swears by the naughty chair. Their mother-in-law rolls her eyes when they talk about “all these feelings.”
But there is a reason why so many child development experts don’t do time-outs at home. They’ve seen how kids change over and over again when discipline means “I’m not leaving you, even when you’re at your worst.”
They’ve had fewer fights over power, less sneaky behaviour, more honest tears, and faster fixes.
You don’t have to get rid of every tool you’ve ever used. You don’t have to be patient forever or talk like a therapist. You can say, “I need a break. I’m going to splash water on my face,” and then leave for a minute.
The change is small but big: instead of saying “You go be alone with your feelings,” say “We’ll face these feelings together, and I’ll still hold the line.”
That’s the discipline method that quietly changes families: less shame, more skill-building, clearer limits, and a child who learns over time that love and limits can be in the same room.
